Lead a horse to water...

It has been two months since I returned to Cape Town, a time of great transition for both Mum and myself. Spending time in the UK was profound, beautiful in ways I could never have imagined. I honestly did not know that I held the country so fondly in my heart, that I would feel so comfortable and grounded there. Spending such quality time with my Mum was never going to be a problem, we are great mates. But the extent to which I felt loved, supported and encouraged by the many other family members I saw was something I did not fully expect. It was extremely difficult for me to leave.

Not that life here in SA isn't idyllic, I/we have everything we ever sought, blessed in every way. I am truely greatful, but have seen the need to remind myself of that fact. For weeks now I have fluctuated in my mental and emotional states; being thrilled to be here, yet pining for what once was. This imbalance has at times placed great stress on myself, and Tamsin who knows me better than I know myself, and who obviuosly wonders at my seeming refusal to accept and appreciate the many wonderful things I have in my life. Loved and welcome on both hemisheres!!! Can't be all bad, yet still I seem to wallow in self-doubt and pity. The cold, hard truth of it all is now clear. I must accecpt responsability for the decissions I have made. I musy embrace what I have whole-heartedly, I must listen to my own advice.

We simply must remain present, that is, to know what we are doing - whilst we are doing it. Remembering what was, wondering about what will be... when do we live in the moment? I actually caught myself so distracted by thoughts of injustice, doubt and fear, that I failed to see I was walking along an empty beach at sunset with my wife! Hadn't I asked for this? Wasn't this my dream? Now it's here and I'm elsewhere, and sure enough, the blame begins; if this had happened... if that... I'd be happier! Madness!

What of Mum?

Well she's pretty good, could be better, about a C+ on the report card. Her general health has improved. Her bowel movements have increased which allows for toxicity to be released from her system. She is on the lowest amount of medication in her life and generally feels more active than previously. And so... she begins to falter, returns to short-cuts, excuses and a stable but not improving overall health. I attempted to show her a few small changes that she could easily integrate into her daily life. Stretching, bouncing, walking, swimming; taking certain supplements that will increase her vitamin and mineral uptake. At the time she was thrilled, and the results clear. Now when we speak it's kind of like, "well I was going to go but..." and so on. Gradually she is reverting to old patterns of behaviour that she is fully aware do not serve her best interests. I gently remind her of a few truths over the phone, but ultimately now it is her choice.

Am I angry? Upset? Dissappointed? I confess I was. Until I realized that she is a reflection of me, that I (and all others) are prone to judgment and opinion when in fact we can only see in others what is inherently within ourselves. Mum's struggle in maintaining the level of discipline in her activities in similar to my own issues of integration into South Africa. I tell the world I am happy yet do not always ensure that this is actually so. Upon realizing this I have taken actions to re-commit to my own practises, re-address my own diet, re-mind myself everyday that my life is my own, of my own making. Whether that be joyous or otherwsie is up to me. This is not about discipline in an authoritarian sense. This is about enthusiasm for the experience. This feeling rather than knowing, from the heart not the head.

Mum know's now that the way she lives her life has direct effects on her ability to heal herself; the more she puts in to getting well, the closer to health she becomes. Be that health of the body, health of mind, health on emotional or spiritual levels, the fact remains. I know now that the same is true for me, the same is true for all. I am greatful to my Mum for showing me this, for reminding me of my own lessons. May we look upon others with an eye of compassion, and learn empathy that we may see ourselves in those we would seek to influence.

Blessings and thanks to everyone for being part of everything. May you be happy and well x